Saying Goodbye~

Feeling it~

 

Well, I didn't think that this day would come where I would leave my home of twenty four years and downsize.  For four years I've not felt that I should move so I've held down the fort even though it's been hard to take care of such a big place on my own without children home.

 

It's a mixed bag of emotions for sure and saying that final good bye of memories is painful to say the least.  At the same time, life feels promising of a future with less grief work.  Could it really be possible that I can start a new life in a new place and feel ready?

 

Coping With It~

 

This is a road that I recognize from past losses and walking down the "good bye" path.  It's a time of reflection of your memories.  I can hear the laughter, see the tears, feel the good times and not so good times ringing through my mind while I sit on an imaginary bench of time.  Tears come easily as I recognize and sense the time to stand and walk a new path of a new chapter in the book of life.

 

It's painful to start the walk because our future walk is full of uncertainty.  Do you want to hang on to this life in the absence of your loved one or is it time to really start making new memories.  It feels like "growing pains" but there comes a time when your heart needs to shift into another gear and you just have to take the steering wheel in hopes that you will be able to continue forward into the "unknown".

 

When things come together without much effort and you feel or sense that the change is meant to be it just seems to feel right.  Moments like these are far and few between for me so it feels like a cool summer breeze after months and years of a hot, burning fire--a refining fire in life that is encountered.

 

Good bye, my dear old house...

 

 



Feeling the Landmarks

July is a month of landmarks for me.  The first day of July marked 26 years since my first husband died.  July 14th marks 4 years since my second husband died.  July 16th marks my first husband and my 31st wedding anniversary.

I have to say that one of the hardest comments that people have made to me is that I'm hard on my husbands--like it is somehow my doing in having them pass away.


Coping Skills--The way I cope may not work out exactly the same for you.  We all have our own time tables with grief work and just when you think you might be sailing along fine is when a big wave can knock you off your feet.

I like to find music that speaks to me and lifts me up.  Once in a while I'll hear something that triggers memories of that loved one and it can feel quite personal to bring emotions to the surface.

The power of gratitude is a real coping skill for me.  For example, I can think about July in having three silver linings so far as I have two grandsons being born in this month and one daughter in law.

Thinking about "what I have" verses "what I don't have" really empowers me to rise above the down pull that grief carries.

Lift yourself up~

Feeling It And Coping With It

Feeling It:  The fog rolled in and stayed. 

If there is ever something in my life that I can't or couldn't change on my own, it is the fog that rolled in and has stayed so long that just once in a while I see or notice something that I've never seen before in clarity.  Just the other day when I was babysitting my grandson I looked down at a toy that I've had since my children were little and notice that it had screws in it!  How very odd is that?

Coping With It:  Don't rush into major change with relationships, finances, major purchases, and moving, etc. 

Give yourself a chance to feel it and heal it enough so that you will think more clearly and not make decisions that you might later regret.  Time can feel like your enemy because you may feel like you're held captive as you deal with your emotions. Time can also be your friend when it comes to coping with your grief and loss. 

Try to think positive when you deal with time.  While working through grief work, time can feel unstable and on the flip side, time can help you feel more stable.  Think positive about time and choose to make it work for you long term.

Feeling the Grief And Coping With It

There are so many emotions to feel in dealing with grief and it truly is work if you want to feel like a survivor verses a victim.  Realizing that we have choices even when it feels like everything has been taken away; finding coping skills in dealing with our losses, grief and pain is the little round life saver floating on the ocean of grief to hang on and move forward.

I want to post topics of "Feeling It" and ideas of "Coping With It".  Just some food for thought and if you want to add your own ideas, feel free to chat at "Connie's Corner".

Feeling It:
My world has stopped but people keep moving.

Coping With It:
Cry--let it out and feel the emotion.  You'll feel better.

What Hit Me?

As I've thought about what I wanted to first post about my grief and loss is how I felt from the beginning and what I wished I had known thirty three years ago.  What stands out in my mind the most (if I had any regrets or that I wished I could have done things over) is being aware of the stages of grief and what to expect of myself and others going through the same loss.

When my Mother passed away my role was a daughter, oldest sibling and I was barely eighteen years old.  My heart was broken for not only what I lost immediately but also what I lost for my future.  My Mother would not be there when I married, when I had children, and she would not be there to function in that role.  I felt very lost, indeed.

Eight years later when my first husband died, I was not prepared to suffer yet another loss that was central to my core family unit.  At the end of the day, people usually go home to their families and the world keeps turning.  Again, my future dreams were altered and life seemed like a pretty heavy burden to hold alone.  In an effort to comfort me, other's would comment that I was not alone; however, that is how it really was at the end of the day.

When my second husband died after eight weeks of diagnosis, I was better prepared in not expecting that something like this would ever happen again.  I didn't live in fear, but I considered reality of life. 

When the news hit our home I felt like a bomb went off.  It felt like I lived in a war zone for a very long time as pieces and things were scattered all around in my mind and broken heart.  I was binding wounds of not only myself but my family living in a place of uncertainty. 

This time around, I recognized the stages of grief in a better way--almost like it was an unwanted friend entering my heart once again.  I knew this unwanted friend and he was going to stay a while.  As I tried to fight it I realized that it was better to take the friend of grief by the hand and start walking again.

I'd like to share some sites that can be helfpul to know what has hit someone in this situation.  Educating yourself can be a first step to finding coping skills.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

My Story--Walking With Widowhood

Dear Readers,

This is the story of my life in experiencing and coping with loss.  It all began when I was eighteen years old.

My Mother died of terminal liver cancer at thirty six years leaving my Father, two younger siblings and myself.  Little did I know that this experience helped prepare me for what was next in my life.  For some strange reason I thought that one big loss would be all that a person would be required to handle in life.



My Mother

Connie 18 Years Old--Day After Mother Died

 A huge surprise came when I was twenty five years old, my husband of almost five years of marriage died from treatments of terminal cancer leaving me widowed with two small children from our marriage.  

Connie And First Husband Three Years Before Marriage

We were high school sweethearts four years before our marriage.  He died three and a half months after diagnosis.  This year marked twenty five years ago that he passed away and would have marked our thirtieth wedding anniversary.



Connie And First Husband's Engagement

Three years ago, my second husband died with terminal cancer leaving myself (age 47), our daughter from our twenty year marriage and my older two children that he raised with me.  He died eight weeks after diagnosis.

Connie And Second Husband

 It seems that something like this happens to "the other guy", not me.  I remember feeling a "cold chilling" feeling throughout my body as a shadow of shock walked into my life.  There are so many emotions and feelings on this walk of loss that it is very overwhelming to say the least. 

Connie, Brother And Father

Losing my Mother thirty three years ago has been very difficult for my Father (who passed away a year ago today with terminal cancer), siblings and me.  Something I learned right away is how different we all are in handling this kind of experience. 

As I walk this road of loss, it has showed me that we cannot assume that other's will experience these things in the same exact way.  We can never assume that everyone is the same with their coping skills.  We can expect that the experience will change us.

One thing is for sure for most all to feel in loss-- and that is pain.  I can only imagine that this is also true of the person suffering from terminal illness.

Why start a blog?  My life isn't about me but rather it's about helping others out and allowing others to help me out. I never imagined myself putting my experiences out for readers to see until I've had enough people suggest that I write a book and my newest son in law suggested a blog. 

I'm not the first to lose someone and won't be the last.  There is always someone that has it worse and my intentions are not to suggest that I have it harder than anyone else.

If you are walking the road of loss, maybe as you stop by "Connie's Corner" ideas, feeling's, and coping skills, etc. can be shared to lighten the load of someone that could use it.

When it comes to losing a husband--well it's different than other losses I've experienced.  The only way for me to find these words is to say that losing my Mother is like an apple and losing my first husband is like an orange.  Losing two husband's by the time I was in my forty's is like a banana.

Perhaps we gather up a basket of fruit as we walk the road of life and add up the losses in our lives only to find that we have gathered something worthwhile.  I've found that the only control I have in my walk is my attitude, expectations and finding choices that move me forward each day.  It's a daily effort to find survival in facing the pain and in turn this pain teaches rich lessons that can change us for the better. 

As we learn survival skills, some days are better than others.  Not facing the walk is probably the worse thing that you can do because grief will follow you as an unwanted friend and can prolong your suffering.

I feel it's better to face the monster of "grief".  Take it by the hand, feel it and start your walk...