What Hit Me?

As I've thought about what I wanted to first post about my grief and loss is how I felt from the beginning and what I wished I had known thirty three years ago.  What stands out in my mind the most (if I had any regrets or that I wished I could have done things over) is being aware of the stages of grief and what to expect of myself and others going through the same loss.

When my Mother passed away my role was a daughter, oldest sibling and I was barely eighteen years old.  My heart was broken for not only what I lost immediately but also what I lost for my future.  My Mother would not be there when I married, when I had children, and she would not be there to function in that role.  I felt very lost, indeed.

Eight years later when my first husband died, I was not prepared to suffer yet another loss that was central to my core family unit.  At the end of the day, people usually go home to their families and the world keeps turning.  Again, my future dreams were altered and life seemed like a pretty heavy burden to hold alone.  In an effort to comfort me, other's would comment that I was not alone; however, that is how it really was at the end of the day.

When my second husband died after eight weeks of diagnosis, I was better prepared in not expecting that something like this would ever happen again.  I didn't live in fear, but I considered reality of life. 

When the news hit our home I felt like a bomb went off.  It felt like I lived in a war zone for a very long time as pieces and things were scattered all around in my mind and broken heart.  I was binding wounds of not only myself but my family living in a place of uncertainty. 

This time around, I recognized the stages of grief in a better way--almost like it was an unwanted friend entering my heart once again.  I knew this unwanted friend and he was going to stay a while.  As I tried to fight it I realized that it was better to take the friend of grief by the hand and start walking again.

I'd like to share some sites that can be helfpul to know what has hit someone in this situation.  Educating yourself can be a first step to finding coping skills.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

My Story--Walking With Widowhood

Dear Readers,

This is the story of my life in experiencing and coping with loss.  It all began when I was eighteen years old.

My Mother died of terminal liver cancer at thirty six years leaving my Father, two younger siblings and myself.  Little did I know that this experience helped prepare me for what was next in my life.  For some strange reason I thought that one big loss would be all that a person would be required to handle in life.



My Mother

Connie 18 Years Old--Day After Mother Died

 A huge surprise came when I was twenty five years old, my husband of almost five years of marriage died from treatments of terminal cancer leaving me widowed with two small children from our marriage.  

Connie And First Husband Three Years Before Marriage

We were high school sweethearts four years before our marriage.  He died three and a half months after diagnosis.  This year marked twenty five years ago that he passed away and would have marked our thirtieth wedding anniversary.



Connie And First Husband's Engagement

Three years ago, my second husband died with terminal cancer leaving myself (age 47), our daughter from our twenty year marriage and my older two children that he raised with me.  He died eight weeks after diagnosis.

Connie And Second Husband

 It seems that something like this happens to "the other guy", not me.  I remember feeling a "cold chilling" feeling throughout my body as a shadow of shock walked into my life.  There are so many emotions and feelings on this walk of loss that it is very overwhelming to say the least. 

Connie, Brother And Father

Losing my Mother thirty three years ago has been very difficult for my Father (who passed away a year ago today with terminal cancer), siblings and me.  Something I learned right away is how different we all are in handling this kind of experience. 

As I walk this road of loss, it has showed me that we cannot assume that other's will experience these things in the same exact way.  We can never assume that everyone is the same with their coping skills.  We can expect that the experience will change us.

One thing is for sure for most all to feel in loss-- and that is pain.  I can only imagine that this is also true of the person suffering from terminal illness.

Why start a blog?  My life isn't about me but rather it's about helping others out and allowing others to help me out. I never imagined myself putting my experiences out for readers to see until I've had enough people suggest that I write a book and my newest son in law suggested a blog. 

I'm not the first to lose someone and won't be the last.  There is always someone that has it worse and my intentions are not to suggest that I have it harder than anyone else.

If you are walking the road of loss, maybe as you stop by "Connie's Corner" ideas, feeling's, and coping skills, etc. can be shared to lighten the load of someone that could use it.

When it comes to losing a husband--well it's different than other losses I've experienced.  The only way for me to find these words is to say that losing my Mother is like an apple and losing my first husband is like an orange.  Losing two husband's by the time I was in my forty's is like a banana.

Perhaps we gather up a basket of fruit as we walk the road of life and add up the losses in our lives only to find that we have gathered something worthwhile.  I've found that the only control I have in my walk is my attitude, expectations and finding choices that move me forward each day.  It's a daily effort to find survival in facing the pain and in turn this pain teaches rich lessons that can change us for the better. 

As we learn survival skills, some days are better than others.  Not facing the walk is probably the worse thing that you can do because grief will follow you as an unwanted friend and can prolong your suffering.

I feel it's better to face the monster of "grief".  Take it by the hand, feel it and start your walk...